Life, Love, and the pursuit of something

***THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS HARSH WORDS. TRUST ME WHEN I SAY I REALIZE WHAT I'M SAYING IN THIS POST. I KNOW IT MAY COME OFF AS BE BEING INCONSIDERATE OF THOSE WITH MENTAL CHALLENGES, BUT PLEASE KNOW, FOR ME, THAT I LIVE WITH TWO INDIVIDUALS WHO DEAL WITH HANDICAPS ON A DAILY BASIS, AND THIS IS JUST THE THINGS I CANNOT, AND WILL NOT SAY OUT LOUD. THIS BLOG IS JUST MY WAY OF VENTING. ***

There's just so much going on here that I'm scared to death of. Bri is so hard to deal with, and it's getting harder and harder for me to accept the whole "autistic" thing. No matter how "high functioning" he is, or no matter the fact that his Daddy has the same issues and that he "turned out normal". I can't handle the temper tantrums for no reason, the high pitched screams and shrills b/c the baby is in the wrong place, I can't put up with the lone playing, his brothers want to play with him, they want to interact with him, but he'd rather be alone. Is he going to be this way forever? Obviously. But then, the autistic adult may be the opposite of their younger self. Maybe he's going to throw himself into life and try to fit in and try to befriend everyone to only be rejected and broke down like I've watched my husband be done. Maybe he and his wife will one day have kids and they, too, will share this "reject mark" with their father and grandfather and my son and his wife will have the same fights and arguments that Brian and I have. My daughter in law will stay up all night wondering what she done wrong, why HER child, her precious little baby was born with something that's just not right. She and Bri will fight all the time, b/c she can't open up to anyone about it for fear of being looked at as a bad mom and she doesn't want to talk to her husband b/c it would be the same as talking to a fat person about obesity and why you despise it.

They, too, will talk of separation, divorce, and all the other marriage fatalities. Her nerves will be so shot over the situation that her stomach will roll all the time, she'll be nauseated, and will lose a matter of pounds in just a couple of days. She'll be a bitch to everyone, but rightfully so. She'll have been through a lot by this point. Because not only will her child have problems that she must deal with, her husband, my baby, will have those same issues. and her marriage will suck b/c of it. She'll want a simple hug, a back rub, some lotion on her shoulders, and he won't be able to do it. But by then, she'll have learned what I've learned the hard way, as hard as it is to accept, the autistic mind is self centered. Not out of anger, not out of greed, but b/c they don't know any other way. It's all they can do. But yet it hurts.

Will my daughter in law go through this, all I can say is, "lord, I hope not.".